Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
