there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just pee around me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
