he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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