I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
smell my finger.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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