everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
