But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
