Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
