Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
