i'm signing you up for texting rehab
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
