How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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