sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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