So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
