i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
