The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
