dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
