Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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