Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
