drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
