Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
