if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
