Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
