We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
