I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
