Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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