He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
