I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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