Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
