Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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