U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
