I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
