Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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