the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
