Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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