the condom got lost in my hair
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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