The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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