If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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