i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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