He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
