fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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