My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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