He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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