I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
