please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
