If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
