Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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