I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She announced her abortion via fbk
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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