So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
