The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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