I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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