You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
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Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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