how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
