I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
