On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
honey bunches of taint.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
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just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize