i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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