i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is an emotional support booty call
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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