I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
PANTIES FOUND
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
