I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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